As I wrote in an article for Hot Flash Daily, thanks to menopause, I now pee more than my father with his enlarged prostate and my five-year-old granddaughter after drinking three glasses of apple juice.

In other words, suddenly I’m the old lady who never turns down a bathroom.

If you are getting older – whether you’re a man or woman – you may be facing this issue as well.

Remember that line in the funny movie, Paper Moon? Addie (played by a young Tatum O’Neal) is trying to break up the romance between her father (Ryan O’Neal) and good-time gal Trixie Delight (Madeline Kahn) who says, “She always has to go to the bathroom! She must have a bladder the size of a peanut!”

Yup, that’s me. Even so, God forbid I utter that line that made my Mom cringe every time someone said it: Gotta pee.

According to the proper etiquette I was taught – and often shamefully ignore – even saying, “I must use the toilet” is way too vulgar. Toilet and pee should NEVER enter the conversation if you are a true lady. “I gotta tinkle,” is not even allowed.

Even worse? “Where is the john?” or “Where is the head?” or “I need to take a leak,” or “I’m going to take a whiz.” Any of those phrases may have made my Mom faint.

Or once again to quote the movie, Paper Moon, “This little girl has to winky-tink!” Nope, none of that.

By the way, have you ever wondered why we say, “I gotta pee like a racehorse?”

Turns out that poor racehorses are sometimes given diuretics so they get rid of all their pee and weigh less thus can run faster. That’s why before a race, you may see a bunch of horses peeing their brains out. Which is kind of cruel, right?

So, I say we put some diuretics in the tea of those in charge at the Kentucky Derby and see how THEY like peeing like a racehorse! Tee, hee. Did I mention that menopause makes me feel mean sometimes?

Anyhow, back to the subject at hand. Since the phrase, “peeing like a racehorse,” is not allowed either, the following were my mother’s suggestions for polite ways to say you need to expel urine from your bladder:

Tolerable options: “Can you please tell me where the restrooms are?” “I’m off to the loo.” “Can you direct me to the nearest water closet?” “I must visit the lady’s room.”

Better options: Vague terminology such as “May I ask, where are the facilities?” or “Nature is calling.”

Best options: “Excuse me, I need to wash my hands.” “I must excuse myself for a moment.” “I need to freshen up.” Or the ever-popular polite terminology: “Excuse me while I powder my nose.”

As you can tell, my Mom took after eloquent European women who only talk about Eau de Toilette when they’re referring to perfume they dab on pulse points.

My Mom sadly died a year ago and sometimes I miss hearing her chiding voice in my head, “Didn’t I teach you, it is never polite to refer directly to any excretory function, my dear.” God bless her.

But now that I’m in my 50s and my Mom is no longer here to control my rebellious ways, here are five of my favorite creative and fun ways of saying, “Gotta pee.”

Number One: “I gotta give my pee ration at the urination station.” (Love creative poetry.)

Number Two: “I must go oui oui.” (French style).

Number Three: “I need to squirt the dirt.” (Although this applies more to men, who says we women can’t accomplish it as well?)

Number Four: “Gotta shake the dew off the daffodil.” (Doesn’t hurt to throw some floral imagery in there.)

And drum roll – my favorite phrase I used for the title of this blog: “Gotta make the bladder gladder.”

If we have to pee more as we get older, we may as well have a sense of humor about it. So there you go. Sorry, Mom. A menopausal woman has to do what a menopausal woman has to do.

For more humorous and informational articles, be sure and check out Hot Flash Daily.

Images courtesy of artur84, nuttakit, and SweetCrisis at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.